been trumpeting to all who would listen, and to a good many who would
rather not, that there is only one way to cook a turkey. This turkey is
not my turkey. It is the creation of the late Morton Thompson, who wrote
“Not as a Stranger” and other books.
Countess” which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten
the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book.
Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up–
although not as much, perhaps, as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished,
irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did,
however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a
collection of very funny pieces called “Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player”.
six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.
as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to
weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or butcher, cut its
head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck
close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing.
Also , he should leave all the fat on the bird.
pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard,
and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of
garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don’t know
how much salt– whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water
and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little
RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal
amount of cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp.
confectioner’s sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a
few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass,
add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus
1 tsp. of lemon — you’ll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add 1 dash
of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks)
large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three
tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double
this -REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.
somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:
2 hot dry mustard
2 caraway seed
2 celery seed
2 poppy seed
1 black pepper
2 1/2 oregano
3/4 thyme 1/4 basil
1/2 chili powder
1 Tbl. poultry seasoning
4 Tbl parsley
4 headless crushed cloves
1 well crushed bay leaf
4 large chopped onions
6 good dashes Tabasco
5 crushed garlic cloves
6 large chopped celery
bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of
toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork,
1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the
recommended (Do this at your own risk – we always did! -REB). Get a
fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your
hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff
the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.
paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the
Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbl
onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is
red hot, put the bird in, down on the rack. Sip on your drink
until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint
the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to
350 degrees F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again.
Keep doing this until the paste is used up.
the stove, This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every
15 minutes. Don’t argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted
with the choice “do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste
with the juice from the pot on the stove?” make certain that the juice
under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that
gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This
critter makes incredible gravy! -REB) The bird should cook about 12
minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your
friends and family.
then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I’m crazy. The
bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are
demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you’ve followed instructions,
you are -REB) In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though
we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust.
golden-browns found in a precious Rembrandt. Stick the fork too deep, and
the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve
it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause
the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The
moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing–well, there is
nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as
always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.
There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If
there is, you’ll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days.
That’s all there is to it. It’s work, hard work— but it’s worth it.
aid in shopping for this monster, or for checking your spice cabinet -REB)
1 large can crushed pineapple
4 large onions
6 celery stalks
buncha preserved ginger
2 cans water chestnuts
3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs
3/4 pounds ground veal
1/2 pounds ground pork
1 quart apple cider